The publisher of Delivery, the glossy, bi-monthly magazine of the department of provincial & local government, is located at "5 Spin Street" in Cape Town.
A doctor tells a patient in need of a heart transplant that he's in luck; he can take his pick from the organs of three people: an Olympic 1 500 m runner, a handsome middle-aged film star or a 65-year old bookmaker. Without a moment's hesitation, the patient plumps for the bookie's heart. "Why?" asks the surgeon.
"Simple," he replies. "I want a ticker that's been scarcely used."
Medscheme, which runs the Wits University staff medical aid, sent a circular to members recently explaining that earlier e-mail statements and attachments had contained an error.
"Please accept our apologies for any incontinence caused," it said.
From which we deduce the problem was likely caused by a virus.
Two doctors started a practice in a small rural town, with the shingle: "Arnold Smith MD & Brian Jones MD, Psychiatry & Proctology".
It wasn't long before a delegation of townsfolk complained that the sign was an embarrassment; nobody in their town would ever need such treatments!
So the doctors changed the sign to "Hysterias & Posteriors". But that was just as bad. So they tried "Schizoids & Haemorrhoids". No go! So they put up "Catatonics & Colonics".
Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives & Anal Retentives".
Ouch! So they tried:
"Minds & Behinds"
"Nuts & Butts"
"Freaks & Cheeks"
"Loons & Moons".
All to no avail. At their wit's end, the doctors made one last euphemistic plunge: "Smith & Jones, Odds & Ends".
Approval at last.
Since the fiasco with the electric bell at the Gauteng legislature (see Did You Hear? December 2), members have noticed that the canteen is producing what can only be called "themed" menus. Last week it offered a Christmas lunch special with "Stuffed Sweet Corn" and "Freshly Bungled Green Beans" - presumably to match the stuffed shirts, administrative stuff-ups and freshly bungled government programmes.
But what are we to make of the next day's offering of "OxBlack Tribe" (presumably "tripe")?
Both of the Bs in Babcock Africa's sign on its building next to the R24 east of Johannesburg have stopped lighting up at night, leaving passing motorists with a rather intriguing message.
Could be a coded call for another peacekeeping mission.
Finally, for those women tired of "dumb blonde" jokes:
A husband and wife are sitting in the living room when he says to her: "Just so you know, dear, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me going. If that ever happens, please just pull the plug."
So up she gets, unplugs the TV and pours the rest of his beer down the sink.
YOU CAN WIN
The best reader's contribution each week to Did You Hear? wins a fashionable Candino watch, valued at R1 695. Prizes will be delivered by Berco Express. Two more readers can each win a weekend's accommodation for two at any Protea Hotel in SA. Other published contributions win R200. To win a prize, readers must include their name, postal address and telephone number. Last week's Candino winner: Elan Levy, Johannesburg. Just one entry qualified for the Protea Hotel weekend: Penny Brickhill, Durban.
