From R140 000 for a bottle of Glenfiddich 1937 - an ideal stocking filler for Gauteng finance MEC Paul Mashatile - to R57 for a taste of Heaven on Earth and a R60 almost-unbreakable glass to drink it from, all bases are covered:
Cîroc Grape Vodka
The first sign that French cognac producers were feeling the pinch came when Hennessey started punting a cognac to be mixed with ginger ale.
This is the second sign: canny cognac producers are quintuple-distilling wine made from mauzac grapes grown in the Gaillac region of France - they couldn't sell that, either.
The quintuple distillation removes almost all traces of taste - which is the secret of good vodka - leaving only the memory of citrus in a faint bouquet and tongue prickle.
With martinis - shaken not stirred - on a roll, thanks to the Daniel Craig-inspired renaissance of the James Bond franchise, far classier to make them with vodka distilled from grape spirit than the potatoes and anti-freeze the Russians use.
- Contact Craig Dummett on tel: 083-376-9217; price R270.
Clef du Vin
In this age of instant gratification, why wait a decade for your red wines to age? Besides, with the Gautrain coming, your subterranean wine cellar will probably subside, anyway. This cunning invention from France is a multimetal gizmo which acts as a catalyst to speed up oxidation when dipped into a glass of wine. The inventors claim it will soften the tannins of reds, reduce acidity in whites and generally enhance the flavour of stickies.
One-second immersion of the Clef du Vin adds a year to the perceived age of a wine. So, hello instant cellar, and those hopelessly tannic young pinotages become suddenly approachable.
- Contact Barbara Spencer on tel: 082-783-8917; price R740.
Heaven on Earth
The back label says it all: "Under the gaze of the Namaqualand moon and stars, organic grapes are laid down on a bed of organic rooibos tea and straw." The result is a sweet wine of mesmerising complexity, the liquid analogue of those short stories of Herman Charles Bosman with evocative names like Drieka and the Moon and The Selon's Rose.
Called Heaven on Earth, it is made by the appropriately named Stellar Winery in Trawal, and the bottle I tasted was destined, ironically, for Les Caves de la Riviéra in Abidjan, Côte d'Ivoire. It was from Abidjan that millions of slaves were cruelly shipped to the Americas in the triangular trade controlled by those slavers living in grand châteaux on the Loire, a region with something of a reputation for sweet wines like this one, but lacking the innocence and purity of Heaven on Earth. As Mick Jagger sang it: "Brown sugar, how come you taste so good?"
- Contact winemaker Dudley Wilson on tel: 082-786-6336; price R57.
Glenfiddich Single Malt 1937
Pricing old single malts requires a new Richter scale, since prices climb exponentially with age. A bog-standard 21-year-old will set you back R1 000/bottle. Wait another nine years and the price more than doubles to R2 100, while another decade is serious gravy-train stuff at R14 000 for the 40-year-old.
A half-century limbos in at R50 000, while 1937 is the Full Monty at R140 000 for a curious vintage: the year the Nazis bombed Guernica, which prompted Picasso to paint the defining image of the century.
- Contact: Edward Snell & Co on tel: (011) 974-1701; price R140 000.
Tanqueray #10 Gin
British Airways' worst nightmare, rapster Snoop Doggy Dogg, confers the ultimate bling-bling cachet on this ultra-premium gin in his song "Gin and juice":
"Shit - this ain't no joke - I have to back up
Off of it and sit my cup down
Tanqueray and chronic, yeah I'm fucked up now"
Which will surely introduce a new generation to the pleasures of G&T. Try it with a twist of Angostura bitters for camper effect.
- Contact Craig Dummett on tel: 083-376-9217; price R260.
Oude Molen Brandy
The Friday exodus from Cape Town to Onrus just got a whole lot more fun with the opening of the Oude Molen distillery in Elgin, at the halfway stage. Just off the N2, it's destined to become a popular comfort stop for blottologists, anoraks and culture vultures alike.
It's a state-of-the-art brandy distillery, whose 14-year-old spirit was voted best brandy in the world by the sniffers of the International Wine & Spirit Competition in London - twice - in 1999 and 2001.
At R230/bottle, it may be the cheapest "best of anything" in the world, but for my money, the entry-level eight-year-old (or 100 months in "brandy-speak"), at R85/ bottle, is an even better bet. It has more power (40% alcohol vs 38%) and flavours that are more obviously fruit-inspired as opposed to the serious wood character of the VOV - Very Old Vintage.
Master distiller Dave Acker says the drop's light appearance often tricks novices into writing it off as a lightweight, but I'm more persuaded by the argument of Maurice Castle, protagonist in Graham Greene's novel The Human Factor, who would always order J&B whisky, as a triple and soda looked no stronger than a single tot of Bell's.
OM Christmas Pudding
For those who prefer their brandy in pudding form, this splendid OM Christmas Cake is bursting with fruit and soaked in its namesake. They are made by Liz Wood, who lives in the Elgin Valley, a 15-minute drive from the distillery. Made from a secret recipe and steamed in a clootie overnight, they weigh in at 1 kg and are packed with nuts and fruit and taste absolutely delicious. More importantly, they are soaked in Oude Molen 100 Reserve Brandy, so be careful when smoking in the immediate vicinity.
- Contact Oude Molen Distillery on tel: (021) 859-2517; price: R185.
Mikasa Oenology Open Up
Made from a new space-age glass called Kwarx (technical details sketchy so as to nobble Chinese fakers and Indian fakirs), these angular glasses look like tourist curios from the Seattle Space Needle. They are 10 times stronger than normal and, at around R60/glass for the Oenology Open Up, are far more competitively priced than the Riedel and Spiegelau competition.
There are models for effervescent, soft, tannic, round and sweet wines. With lead crystal production in serious decline, thanks to (unfounded) hysterical health scares in California about the possibility of lead poisoning, the absence of lead has made Mikasa the darlings of green tipplers and anoraks alike.
- Contact Fenel on tel: (011) 794-1680; price: around R60 for the universal tasting glass - quite a deal, since the Mikasa US website lists them at US$40.
Edgebaston Shiraz 2004
Last year's Platter guide Wine of the Year was the Glen Carlou Syrah 2004 made by shiraz superstar David Finlayson. This violet-scented slippery beauty hails from the same vintage and is made from fruit from Finlayson's own vineyards, located between Stellenbosch and Paarl. It has just been released and, in my humble opinion, is even better that the Platter pick. Unlike the English cricket team, this wine is hot. So hot, it's not even in the current edition - which gives you a head start on those who use Platter in unsporting attempts to corner the market.
- Contact Wine Direct on tel: (011) 268-0578; price: R120.
Tribaut Champagne NV
For those with champagne tastes and a beer budget, Franschhoek importer Jean-Philippe Colmant proposes you (as the French say) Champagne Tribaut Brut at under R150/bottle (including Vat and free shipping to any address in SA), if you buy a case.
Tribaut is a small family producer with 20 ha of its own vineyards and, as Colmant says, "it relies on a faithful portfolio of regular customers who appreciate its style. Many of them are connoisseurs looking for the best value and not ready to spend half their money on labels."
Of course, a large part of the enjoyment of champagne is to know you're consuming the ultimate symbol of conspicuous consumption, in which case it's Krug Clos du Mesnil or bust. But to that you'll have to add the cost of an air ticket, since importer DGB doesn't. Instead, it proposes the seriously bling-bling replacement of Krug 1995, of which it does have stock.
- Contact Tribaut - Jean-Philippe Colmant on www.colmant.co.za; price R148,50. For the Krug, contact DGB on tel: (011) 653-1000; price: R1 800.
Ranking the Analysts 2009
