A company called Mills Auctions ran an ad in Business Day last Wednesday announcing the sale by auction of a Plettenberg Bay property this week.It said the building on the land comprised three self-contained floors: "1st level, middle level and lover level."
The bidding for the third option, we understand, was frantic.
These are statements purportedly made by women in their applications for child support at a welfare agency in Dallas, Texas. The remarks were entered on the form in a section requiring "father's details" - or, as they say down south, who's yo daddy?
- "I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps."
- "I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks."
- "I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced."
- "I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again."
- "I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that would blow his cover and would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise."
- "I do not know who is the father of my child as all blacks look the same to me."
- "Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time... well, I don't have a clue."
- "From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom."
- "So much about that night is a blur. The only thing I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised."
- "I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart."
A Cape Town café had this sign stuck on its window: "WANTED: Waiter to work eight hours a day to replace one who didn't."
As if violent crime weren't bad enough, the phrases public officials use to talk about it can make matters worse.
For instance, Alan Vels, chairman of the Federated Hospitality Association SA, put his foot in his mouth while telling a reporter how tour operators had been steering clients away from Durban since the gang-rape of a French tourist on the city's beachfront earlier this month.
"The rape is the cherry on the top after several violent incidents including muggings," he said.
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United Boeing 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the chastened pilot responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. None of the other air crews out on Gatwick's runways wanted to risk the irate ground controller's wrath in her current state of mind, and tension was running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A husband walked into the kitchen as his wife was starting to fry eggs for breakfast. Seeing her, he rushed up and started muttering anxiously in her ear.
"Careful... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in more butter! Oh, my God! You're cooking too many at once... Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! More butter. Oh, my God! Where are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful!... careful, I said. You never listen to me when you're cooking. Never! Turn them now! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Now a bit of salt. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The SALT!"
She stared at him as if he'd gone bonkers. "What is wrong with you, you idiot? D'you think I don't know how to fry a few eggs after all these years?"
He gazed calmly back at her: "I know, dear. I just wanted you to know what it feels like to go driving with you in the passenger seat."
A selection of the finest double entendres by reporters, presenters and announcers on British radio and television:
- Michael Buerk, watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage, remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts."
- Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots : "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
- Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
- Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
- Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner, Judith Keppel, on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
- Winning Post's Stewart Machin commenting on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
- Ross King discussing relays with runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
- Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single in a Durham vs Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
- Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
- James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a grand prix: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
- Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
- The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
- Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
- Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
- A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too, such was their laughter.
- US PGA Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god! What have I just said?"
- Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."
- Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race, 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
- Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
- New Zealand rugby commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
- Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator: "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Stand-up comedian and actor Steven Wright is famous for one-liners such as, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."
Nevertheless, he says he's often astonished at the quips and gags wrongly attributed to him. Some he wishes he'd said and others leave him squirming with embarrassment.
Even so, Wrightisms are worth repeating, whether he said them or not:
- I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists -they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42,7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Search engine Google is interested in SA property. It's going to make a generous offer for Cape Town's Gugulethu.
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Ranking the Analysts 2009
