21 December 2007
	Did You Hear

The chairman at the Polokwane conference was heard calling out: "The votes will be counted manually, with an electronic scam, err, sorry, scan, taking place simultaneously, at the same time." Hardly designed to boost confidence. A 65-year-old man went to the doctor for an examination. The doctor was amazed at his good shape and asked: "To what do you attribute your good health?" Patient: "I'm a pilot and that's why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre flight inspection, fly all day and night if necessary." Doctor: "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" Man: "Who said my dad is dead?" Doctor: "You mean you are 65 years old and your dad is still alive? How old is he?" Patient: "He is 85 years old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane. He went flying with me this morning. That's why he is still alive. He is also a pilot!" Doctor: "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there is more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" Patient: "Who said my grandpa's dead?" Doctor: "You mean your father is 85 years old and his father is still living? How old is he?" Patient: "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was also a pilot." Doctor, getting frustrated: "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?" Patient: "No, Grandpa could not fly this morning because he recently married and he is on his honeymoon." Doctor, in amazement: "Married! Why would a 102-year-old want to get married?" Patient: "Who said he wanted to?" Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young hens, called "pullets", and about 10 roosters whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. He could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all. Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane country fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation. The judges were so impressed they not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the Pulletsurprise. Clearly Jacob was a talented politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two coveted awards by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a high school and mentioned 11 things his young audience did not and would not learn in school. They were: Life is not fair - get used to it! The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. You will not make US$60 000/ year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about their mistakes, learn from them. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. More and more Cape Town firms are registering their vehicles in other provinces to save more than 50% in licence fees. The Western Cape's are the highest in SA. But not high enough, apparently - a R30 administrative fee is now being added to licence fees. The Cape Town syndrome appears to be spreading - a reader discovered that traffic cops in Beaufort West are driving cars with Gauteng number plates. A search on The Times website for "Trevor Manuel, Mo Shaik" comes up with the query: "Did you mean Trevor Manuel, Mo Shark?" Err, no... A reader swears this story is true. A blind woman was on a flight from Seattle to San Francisco, which she took regularly. Unexpectedly the plane was diverted to Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the plane they could re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off, except the blind woman. The pilot, who knew the regular passenger well, approached her and said: "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind woman said: "No thanks, but maybe Rusty [her seeing eye dog] would like to stretch his legs." When the pilot, wearing sunglasses, walked off the plane with a seeing eye dog, all the passengers gasped and scattered in panic. They tried to change planes. Some even wanted to change airlines, before they were reassured that things aren't always as they appear. Going to school in the US, 1977 vs going to school in the US, 2007: Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school and pulls into the school parking lot with a shotgun in the gun rack. 1977: The vice-principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack. 2007: The school goes into lock down, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatised students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1977: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007: The FBI is called and Johnny and Mark are arrested. They are charged with assault and both are expelled, even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class and disrupts other students. 1977: Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a caning. He returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again. 2007: Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin and becomes a zombie. He is tested for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. The school gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1977: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007: Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister tells the state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school. 1977: Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking deck. 2007: Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails English. 1977: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007: Pedro's cause is taken up by a local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file a class action lawsuit against the public school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from the core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1977: Ants die. 2007: The police are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents, his siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1977: Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. This is known as progress. YOU COULD WIN YOU COULD WIN a prize or cash by sending news snippets, wit and gossip to Did You Hear? The best two entries each week will win a Protea Hotel weekend in SA for two. Other published entries win R200. Last week's Protea winners: Musa Zondi, Johannesburg; Jaco van der Walt, Illovo. Send entries to: fmdidu@fm.co.za * Contributors may win a prize only once in six months. * BDFM employees are not eligible for prizes. * The judges' decision is final.