19 December 2008
	Did You Hear?

A managing director was scheduled to speak at an important conference, so he asked one of his employees, Thompson, to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the MD returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out." Thompson was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it, saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without a single person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people mistrusted the deal - it looked too good to be true. So he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale R50." The next day someone stole it. The ANC ought to do a better job of keeping track of its senior leadership. Last week, Luthuli House announced that the party would be celebrating former treasurer-general and Manto Tshabalala-Msimang's husband Mendi Msimang's 90th birthday. It later put out a correction, shaving a full 10 years off the retired stalwart's age. I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following: 1 litre of milk, eggs, orange juice, a 250 g package of bacon, a head of lettuce and coffee. As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt at the till, a drunk standing behind me watched. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated: "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have indicated my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied: "Because you're ugly." Three pastors took time off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday morning's preaching. They agreed it was difficult preaching to people all the time yet no-one ever preached to them. Sitting by the river, with little response from the hooks, one pastor decided to pour out his heart to his two friends. He said: "Guys, it's rare to get such an opportunity to be together like this. It would be good if we looked into our lives and helped each other with our weaknesses." They all agreed. He said: "Gentlemen, I need help. The people in my church put a lot of money in the collection plate every week. I started taking little by little, but now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church. Please pray for me. If the congregation find out I will be fired." The second pastor said: "Brothers, your sins are not as serious as mine. I have slept with every woman in the church including the married ones. As I preach, my eyes hover over all the women, looking for my next prey. If this is discovered the congregation will not fire me, they will kill me." The last pastor's feet were tapping nervously as they were talking. The others assumed he had an even bigger sin to confess. He jumped up and said: "Excuse me, my brothers, I've got to run. My problem is gossip and I can' t wait to share your stories with our congregations." YOU COULD WIN YOU COULD WIN a prize or cash by sending news snippets, wit and gossip to Did You Hear? The best two entries each week will win a Protea Hotel weekend in SA for two. Other published entries win R200. Please include your name, address and telephone number or you will not be eligible for any prize. Last week's Protea winner: John Kaye, Kensington. Send entries to: fmdidu@fm.co.za * Contributors may win a prize only once in six months. * BDFM employees are not eligible for prizes. * The judges' decision is final.