A man is pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checks his driver's licence, he says: "You're wearing glasses on your ID but you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."The guy says: "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop says: "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know. I'm still giving you a ticket."
An Englishman spends all evening telling Irish jokes in the pub.
Suddenly, a man at the next table leans over indignantly and says: "Oi! You telling Irish jokes! I think you should know that I'm Irish."
The Englishman answers apologetically: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, old boy. If I'd known, I'd have told them more slowly."
A lawyer boards a plane in Sydney with a box of frozen crabs and asks a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, adding in a very haughty manner that he is a lawyer, and then proceeds to rant at her about what will happen if she lets them thaw out.
Needless to say, she is annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Perth, she uses the intercom to announce to the entire plane: "Will the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand. "
Not one hand goes up... so she takes the crabs home, cooks them and eats them.
Two lessons here:
- Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
- Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
Three guys go into business for themselves. Says the first: "I put up 65% of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
The second says: "I put up 30% of the money, so I'm appointing myself vice-president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up 5%, what's that make me?" asks the third partner.
The chairman says: "I'm appointing you vice-president of music."
"That sounds mighty fine," says the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means that when I want your advice, I'll whistle," says the chairman.
During one of her daily classes a teacher, trying to teach good manners, quizzes her pupils:
Teacher: "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
Teacher: "That would be impolite and crude."
She asks: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter: "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say bathroom' at the dinner table."
She then turns to little Johnny and asks him what he would say.
Little Johnny: "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
The personnel office receives an e-mail requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sends this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no-one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
"To hell with the rich. Let the poor survive" - a sticker on a vehicle spotted in Pretoria.
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Ranking the Analysts 2009
