19 February 2010
	Did You Hear?

"President Jacob Zuma was unlikely to make any decisive policy statements in his state of the nation address," wrote Business Day this week in an editorial, "especially if that meant taking a stand that might alienate a section of his increasingly revolting support base." Not that his support base was ever that attractive. Think before you speak. A wife goes to Woolworths and sees men's underwear on sale. She buys a dozen pairs of the same colour. When she gives them to her hubby he protests: "Why buy me the same colour? People will think I don't change my underwear!" The wife asks: "Which people?" A handsome young frog notices an advert for a psychic hotline in the restroom at his local pub. He decides to phone the hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says: "This is great. Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic, "next semester in her biology 101 class." A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem is who should get custody of the child. The wife jumps up and says: "Your honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to the husband and says: "What do you have to say in your defence?" The man sits for a while contemplating then slowly rises: "Your honour, if I put R5 in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it, the machine's or mine?" Julius Malema is sitting next to a little girl on the airplane when he turns to her and says: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who has just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to him: "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," Julius says with a smile, "how about nuclear power?" "OK," she says "that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a buck all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a buck excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" Julius, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says: "Yu haikona wena, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies: "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" A police officer is investigating an accident on a two-lane road in which two cars have collided almost head-on. One driver, an extremely elderly woman, keeps repeating: "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road." After gathering as much information as possible, the officer angrily approaches the other driver, who is examining the damage to his own car. The police officer asks: "That old lady says you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?" In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says: "Officer, I would have been happy to give her half of the road if she had just let me know which half she wanted." The Obama administration has changed its motto from "Yes we can!" to "No you can't!" when it comes to new banking regulations. YOU COULD WIN YOU COULD WIN by sending news snippets, wit and gossip to Did You Hear? Published entries win R200. Please include your name, address and telephone number or you will not be eligible. Send entries to: fmdidu@fm.co.za * BDFM employees are not eligible for prizes. * The judges' decision is final.