05 March 2010 FOOD FOR THOUGHT Toys and games By JUSTICE MALALA

As you read this, the president of our fine republic is luxuriating in the bosom of the hospitality of Her Majesty the Queen of England. Some 170 SA businessmen are accompanying him. May many deals be struck. Of course you cannot count Julius Malema among the businessmen. Despite his being a director of various companies, the African National Congress and its allies know that this is not the sort of businessman you take out to show to people. He cannot really strike business deals, you see. As Blade Nzimande, the leader of the SA Communist Party, says, these are not entrepreneurs but "tenderpreneurs". Alas, there are no government tenders on the go for the SA delegation in England. So there won't be any commercial activities in it for our Julius. However, if there is any leaning on any government official to be done, then Julius is your man. Sigh. You have to love it. Time was when members of the ANC Youth League waited to be given deals by Brett Kebble before they rushed off to buy cheap suits by the dozen. Now they just loot state coffers. At least the Kebble boys, as they were called, bothered to read the back section of the FM. This lot does not even pretend to read. Anything. The tenderpreneurs do well for themselves, though. Malema's tender collection business has made an estimated R140m in just two years and has funded his two luxury homes in Polokwane and Sandton. He also knows how people dodge the tax man: while he has been seen driving a fleet of cars from a C63 Mercedes-Benz AMG to an Aston Martin and a Range Rover, none of them is registered in his name. The only car registered in his name is a 2005 Audi A4. My favourite Malema toy is the R250 000 Breitling watch. It is the show tool of choice among the Youth Leaguers. I have a friend who owns one of those. "But I am not stupid, wearing a watch that I know I cannot afford just to show that I have arrived," he told me when the fad for big watches and big-collared shirts began last year. "I picked one up from the street. They are relatively cheap. You can get an exact replica of Malema's watch at about R200 a pop from all the guys who come back from buying cheap clothes in China. Mine does not have a label, though. Less is more." The watch was so huge you could not miss it. Irony is not his strong point. But the Malema boys would not be bested by the likes of my cheapo friend. The other big fad last year was that this lot would arrive at nightclubs around Jo'burg and order five or so bottles of the most expensive champagne in the house. They would take off their gargantuan watches, throw them in their glasses and pour the champers. If your watch stops in the course of the evening then apparently it is the cheapo from China. This reminds me of those dirt-poor Francophone guys who would save up all their money to buy a R15 000 Armani suit to show off on Sundays. Malema and those guys remind us of one thing: Steve Biko was right when he said we need to free ourselves from mental slavery. Malema is of course not the only culprit in this business. Recently the president's ANC spokesman, Zizi Kodwa, had a massive party at Taboo nightclub in Sandton. Someone confided that there was so much booze "I thought there was a flood". Another club of choice is Capital, where a few of the ANC Youth Leaguers held their birthday parties as part of the ANC's election campaign. Young women famous for being rich through being married to old men were invited in abundance. Champagne flowed. So my good mate Mmeli and I ventured to Capital on a Thursday evening. This, by the way, is the main going-out night for this group. Thursday is "Foolish Thursday" at Capital and apparently the Malemas of this world arrive in droves. Capital Corner of Tyrwhitt and Keyes Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg Tel: (011) 798-0000 Mandela! Excellent Good Zuma Malema Capital itself is okay. Upstairs the restaurant is all mirrors and sofas. The staff are a bit lazy. We arrived and no-one bothered to serve us. We moseyed to the bar, where a DJ was already spinning discs at 8 pm, and ordered our drinks there. Downstairs, which has a dance floor, is where it really happens. Alas, your reviewer does not know the movement of the tides in this regard. It starts happening at midnight, I am told. And so I slunk off, unable to bring you news of what businessman Julius really does at night.