Every so often someone pops up and asks me who I think will replace President Jacob Zuma when he bids us farewell soon to spend time with his wives and children. No, it won't be Helen Zille, poor soul, banging on in the ear of an ANC that won't listen and a country that will vote ANC again in 2014.
Instead, I give the answer that is being given by the ANC itself to this question. The man who will replace Zuma, it seems, is old Julius. And the people will be happy.
This was confirmed by Limpopo premier Cassel Mathale last week. Speaking at what was the first leg of Malema's numerous 29th birthday parties, Mathale said Malema would be "the future leader of this country ".
Don't reach for that passport. This is nothing new. Zuma himself has said this before. Speaking in Limpopo last October, Zuma said Malema was a "leader in the making" and worthy of "inheriting the ANC".
"Some of us are no longer young, and when we go across the mountain in terms of age, we are happy that when we go on, the organisation will remain in real hands of [those] who will think about the people," Zuma reportedly said.
Yes, the racket you are hearing is made by former ANC leaders spinning in their graves at the news.
Zuma doesn't touch booze, so one presumes he was compos mentis when he said this stuff about Malema. Mathale, however, was at quite an expansive lunch.
According to The Times, Malema had bussed in thousands of elderly people to a stadium in Polokwane and on the podium, where the honourable premier was seated, were bottles of Moët & Chandon. The party cost a cool R440 000. No expense spared for our future leader.
It didn't end there. After the poor had been fed and sent home, some 1 000 dignitaries then proceeded to Mekete Lodge just outside Polokwane for the second party.
The newspaper continued: "Patrons drowned in free booze that was in abundant supply, including Johnnie Walker black and gold label. Malema was hanging around his friend, Limpopo premier Cassel Mathale; both of them were getting down like kids let loose in a candy shop.
"Zuma spokesperson Zizi Kodwa and former ANCYL president Fikile Mbalula were also among the guests. Long convoys of executive cars like Porsche Cayenne, Mercedes-Benz and Audi Q7 lined up outside the Mekete Lodge.
"A guest who didn't want to be named said he couldn't miss Malema's party. It's the most important party in Limpopo; I came all the way from Johannesburg to attend the party. I have to leave very early in the morning so I can be back in Johannesburg.'
"Another patron said: We just love Malema, he's our own. What can SA be without Malema? Who goes around throwing free parties in this country? He's such a humble guy.' "
So now you know. And you thought people were joking when they said Zuma won the election because he could sing and dance?
No matter. My good friend Mike von Guillaume and I needed to eat, drink and lift our spirits. Mike suggested Cnr Café, which my lovely wife has been asking me to go to for years. So off we went in our modest cars, wearing our modest clothes, without a stadium-full of grannies in tow.
Jo'burg weather was beautiful for a minute so we sat outside, and the menu was mercifully short and sweet: breakfast, sandwiches, burgers, hot dogs, salads and three pasta dishes. There are lots of variations on coffee. The clientele was very much a pre- or post-school pick-up crowd: pretty mummies grabbing a coffee, plus consultants lounging about pretending to be thinking.
I went for the fettucine with grilled vegetables, chicken and pesto. Mike went for the chicken special. We shared an outstanding Caesar salad.
Well, it was an outstanding salad until I realised that shared meals at this place (if they are separately plated) are charged at 75% each! All half portions are also charged at 75%. I was shocked - this is absolutely appalling! It is very Malema.
All along I had had a nice feeling about this place. Service had been okay. Mike's chicken was good and the pasta was busy but tasty. I will probably go back some day, but the pricing regime left a nasty taste in the mouth. Like the future president.
Ranking the Analysts 2009
Corner Buckingham and Rothesay Avenues, Craighall Park, Johannesburg