And Justice for all
In a surprise announcement today, Satour said the visitor programme at Robben Island was to receive a significant upgrade. "The president himself has decided that we need the experience to be more interactive, and has been personally involved in strategising the best way to recreate the true spirit of sacrifice and struggle that the island stands for."
The innovative plan will employ live role-playing, with an elite team recreating every aspect of the prisoners' lives, from rock breaking to long hours of sitting in the cells twiddling thumbs. It is understood that the president believes that rather than employing actors in the role, the crucial task of getting the message of the struggle across to the international audience would best be performed by high-ranking journalists.
Mondli Makhanya, Justice Malala and Xolela Mangcu are believed to have been approached to kick-start the programme, and with a great deal of patriotic fervour and a small amount of extreme brutality, they have been signed on for an initial period of five years. A spokesman for Satour said: "We are honoured that these distinguished gentlemen are taking part, and we look forward to following the president's instruction to shut them up for as long as it takes."
Putin it all on show
Kremlinologists were surprised today by the announcement that Russian President Vladimir Putin would be publishing a calendar for 2008. The calendar, which is to be displayed prominently in all public offices and is available for purchase by the public, shows a bare-chested Putin in a variety of heroic poses.
January, for instance, shows a lightly oiled president with his boot on the neck of a Chechen separatist. February sees him poised over a large stopcock marked Western Europe's Gas Supply, and the grin on his face epitomises the upbeat nature of the calendar.
The timing of the launch is believed to be aimed at upstaging US presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton, whose own calendar has long been awaited by connoisseurs of the truly exotic.
Arthur's little adventure
To the astonishment of his family and his many friends in the world of model railways, Arthur Fitch-Splatter returned to his Essex home yesterday 18 months after he set off for a quick trip to Dunfermline to inspect a rare LNER Class A1 Flying Fox. His wife Doreen said: "Arthur's always nipping off to add to his collection, so we just said goodbye and I got on with my crochet. I was a bit surprised when he didn't come back on Sunday night, but I didn't like to make a fuss, and I always thought he'd get back home eventually."
"That's right dear," said Arthur. "It's not as if I'd run off with some fancy piece, even if she did have a lovely pair of Hornby steamers, I just got a little confused in Heathrow's notorious terminal one and it took a bit of time to straighten everything out."
"Ever so absent-minded he is, I could tell them about that mix-up you had with the toothpaste and the intimate lubricant but there's some things better kept quiet. I always knew that as long as his layout was here, he'd be back."
Quite how Fitch-Splatter survived his ordeal remains a mystery, though police are following up rumours of a large gang of failed asylum-seekers living rough in the baggage hall, subsisting largely on suitcases and toiletries. Fitch-Splatter is saying nothing more than that he is very glad to be back with his locomotives and, of course, his lovely wife Doreen.
White House left red-faced
White House spokesman Abe Heimlich stepped in to defuse a potentially explosive situation caused by certain off-the-cuff comments allegedly made by President George W Bush at last night's meeting of the Texas Lone Star Patriotic Society. Heimlich said that the comments, recorded on a cellphone video clip which surfaced on a number of websites overnight, should not be taken out of context.
"While it is obviously regrettable that some snivelling liberal should choose to gatecrash one of Texas' finest institutions and publicise remarks that should have remained private, it is important not to over react. When the president referred to Iraqis as a bunch of towel-headed camel fanciers, he was respectfully drawing attention both to their long tradition of interaction with the noble ship of the desert, and their customary dress, which is both functional and stylish in extreme conditions."
A spokesman for Al Qaeda was unable to comment, being too busy frothing at the mouth and shoving explosives into his belt, but we have been promised a response imminently.<
Quotas: rugby or not rugby?
In a move designed to ensure that the Springbok rugby team was truly representative of the people of SA, Sarfu announced a new quota system yesterday. Spokesman Lucky Makhwanazi explained: "For years the Springboks have been dominated by strong, fit young men with exceptional ball skills and speed. It is time to put an end to this discrimination, and while there may be a dip in form during a short period of adjustment, we are convinced that it will give us a team that all South Africans can be proud of."
Receiving her first cap was 180 kg veteran Gladys Dlamini, who admitted that her lack of rugby experience might be seen as an issue by some, but said that after 30 years as a hooker, it was great to be with a bunch of people who were impressed with her size. "I may not be the most mobile, but it takes a big man to get me on my back," she laughed.
Blind winger Jannie van der Pomp showed the spirit of the squad when he scoffed at suggestions that he might be putting himself at risk in the international game, saying that when you weigh only 48 kg you don't really want to see a large Fijian bearing down on you with a glint in his eye.
Team captain John Smit expressed his admiration for his new colleagues before settling down for a lengthy session with a genealogist and an agent from New Zealand.
