In America, according to former US president Harry Truman, a recession was what took place when your neighbour lost his job, but a depression happened when you lost yours.
In SA, you might be forgiven for thinking a recession is when the shifty-eyed baggage handlers at O R Tambo are so hard up that they nick your underwear along with your valuables - and a depression is what you sink into when you spend three hours ping-ponging between the attention-deficit disorder casualties who man the Airports Company SA call centre.
To hear the pundits call it, SA could be mired in anything from a depression, a recession, a repression, or even (the more devout would argue) be hours away from ascension.
It is little consolation that the belt-tightening is not of our making, but rather due to the Americans' success in creating fake investments (dubious sub prime instruments that bundled together worthless home loans) and writing cheques to fund its crusade in Iraq. America's recession is, unfortunately, that of the whole world.
But what should be a consolation is that South Africans have been living through something of a recession for the past two years already. The prime interest rate has rocketed from 10,5% to 15,5% in that time, the giddy rise in fuel prices requires stopping at your neighbourhood microlender before filling your petrol tank, and the food price increases should make Shoprite's fat-cat bosses bashful indeed.
Already, up to 7 000 cars are being repossessed a month. Clearly, splashing out on that spanking new BMW with the personalised number plate bearing the legend "WINNER 1" hasn't worked out as well as the adverts suggested it would.
Can things get worse? Well, as those who've suffered through the awful TV adaptation of the comic strip Madam and Eve, only to be assaulted by the woeful The Coconuts, will attest, things have an uncanny ability to descend beyond what one imagined was the worst-case scenario.
So how should South Africans deal with their own personal credit crunch in 2009?
Suggestions vary. Scott Adams, creator of cartoon cubicle warrior Dilbert, says the best way to manage your finances is to pay off all credit cards, put six months' expenses into a money-market investment as a buffer, and pump cash into your retirement fund.
Putting six months' expenses into a money market fund might be a bit beyond most, but you can still protect yourself by following some rudimentary rules.
For example, splashing out on a new Land Rover might seem like a good hedge against Johannesburg's roads, which appear about as sturdy as a Tennis biscuit in hot coffee. But a car (unlike a house) is a depreciating asset, so it isn't the best investment in the first place. If you have to, pick something small - and preferably diesel powered.
Some people appear to have got this message loud and clear already: new-car sales have hit their lowest level in the US since 1983, and have plunged 30,1% in SA in October 2008. Now's not the time to buck the trend.
This brings us to debt - credit-card debt, especially - which is the worst thing to be building up when interest rates are high. Not for nothing did former Barclays CEO Matt Barrett surprise the UK parliament in October 2003 by declaring that he wouldn't borrow on credit cards (even his own Barclaycard, the most widely used credit card in the UK) as they were "too expensive".
Resisting the temptation requires resolve: as retail sales fall, you expect a rash of bargains at the mall. And it's hard at any time to argue with the logic of an Ackermans' flyer that whispers: "Buy one pant, get one free."
Then it comes down to the boring business of watching your expenses like a ravenous hawk. For example, do you need the full suite of DStv channels (cost: R468/month) when it contains such dross as reruns of the Gilmour Girls, and Denise Richards: It's Complicated, or should you downgrade to DStv Compact (R199/month) or DStv Select (R139/month)? You'll probably still get a lot of the same dross, mind, but you'll pay less.
Another tip is to check your account for unwanted extras like insurance you never asked for, for things you're paying off such as furniture.
The lords of darkness who pollute the management of your local municipality haven't made it any easier, of course, by hiking municipal rates by, in some cases, more than 200% with little explanation. But, given that a third of municipal councillors are illiterate, according to the DA, you might want to pore over every line of the rates bill you get each month. Already, 43 municipalities are under investigation for corruption in just three provinces, so it's not as if they've earned the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps the most important tip is to resist the urge to cash in your pension. Mostly, this is because these investments are likely to be in equities, which, not to put too fine a point on it, are in the toilet. In poker terms, cashing in any investments now is like going "all in" on a pair of threes. It's something of a heavenly in-joke to Theodore, the God of Investment, that the time when you panic and sell your investments is precisely the time when you shouldn't.
If, however, you happen to have won the lottery or sold an organ to a man in a dark coat with a heavy suitcase, you could consider buying assets that will grow in value (like some shares, or houses) while they're going for a bargain.
When will things recover, you might ask?
Most of the economists expect that it will take (at least) until the end of 2009 for things to improve, but then this particular group of pundits are well known for predicting every scenario under the sun. The old joke is that economists have predicted 13 of the past four recessions - so you might want to dollop some salt on any message they give you.
Oh, and another tip: don't get fired. Now's not the time to be stress-testing your company's firewalls on www.bigbustedgingers.com.
At last count, SA' s unemployment rate had edged up to 23,2%, with the informal sector having shed 165 000 jobs in the three months to June 2008. If you haven't got the knack of penning humorous signs on the back of a placard for The Good Food and Wine Show, it might be best to try blending into the carpet for a few months.
Of course, it's not all bad news. As Adams wrote cheerily recently, "a good recession now and then is necessary to purge the economy".
Just as the departure of Terror Lekota's troops should help the ANC recall its founding principles, a good few months ' eschewing Woolworths microwave lasagne for the plodding "pasta mate" from the local supermarket should help us all tighten our belts.
