Shocking news is coming through from the annual portfolio review of the legendary investor known to the market as "The Sage (and onion) of Ouma." In front of a baying crowd of devoted followers (most of the baying coming from two beagles who put forward a strong case for an early distribution of cocktail snacks), the Sage described a year when "we started with a risk-averse, fundamentals-led approach, and ended up with the four horsemen of the apocalypse lounging around all over the balance sheet and the whore of Babylon making improper suggestions to the income statement."
Swigging liberally from a large glass of his traditional Klipdrift and Cherry Coke, the Sage shocked his fans by turning his back on a lifetime of reasoned bottom-up analysis. "None of these simpering screen jockeys knows their alpha from their elbow," he bellowed, before stunning the market with the news that his flagship portfolio would now be managed according to the ancient art of haruspicy.
Two hedge fund managers received minor injuries in a stampede for the exit when the Sage proceeded to remove the liver from a seemingly unwilling sheep, while those who remained in the audience were surprised to see the Sage prodding the liver vigorously while muttering to himself in a language some speculated to be Babylonian.
After another huge draft of K and CC and the summary dispatch of two bantams, the Sage delivered his predictions for 2009:
"The known unknown of the extent of mortgage default will be superseded by the unknown unknown that nobody knows but which these livers suggest will take another mighty chunk out of the posterior of global savers. It's going to be ugly so cover your ass, but do not get sucked into coveting thy neighbour's ass, which is another story entirely, and can lead to repercussions in this life and the next.
"Q1 will see a rapid collapse of biltong volumes, as consumers struggle with the aftermath of the holiday season and move en masse to potato-based snacks. There will be a partial reversal of this trend into Q2, as the consumer decides that no matter how you dress a chip up with fancy names like Caribbean onion (ridiculous concept, what's it doing, smoking ganja?) it still doesn't have the visceral appeal of some nice wet 'tong.
"The collective name for a group of bankers is henceforth to be a wunch'.
"The market collapse means that many empowerment deals will be so deep under water they will look like Bangladesh after a generous monsoon. Investors will have gone from previously disadvantaged to Aston Martin Vantaged to prematurely aged within a couple of years, and the second-hand market will be glutted with mildly dented Range Rover Sports. Small investors, who queued up to take advantage of Sasol's generous Inzalo deal, in which they could buy shares at the bargain price of R366 versus today's market price of R250, are reputed to be wondrous pleased with how empowered they have become.
"The rand will continue to fluctuate wildly, while maintaining the overall trajectory of a chap on the gallows when the hatch has just been opened. This will mean our glorious coastline is now an affordable holiday destination for hordes of shaven-headed, football-shirted oiks to indulge in their traditional pastimes of fighting, projectile vomiting and fornicating in public. Result!
"Penitent religious orders will receive a huge influx of applicants as former investment bankers seek to atone for their sins with a strict regime of auto-flagellation and exotic liqueurs. By Q3, the Vatican will have been sold to and leased back from a Middle Eastern sovereign wealth fund, the collection plate income stream will have been securitised and the balance sheet will be leveraged with the issue of Benedictine Bonds, redeemable on the Day of Redemption.
"Voting in SA's general election will be suspended when opinion polls reveal that nobody has a clue which party is which. A seventh phase of splintering will fill the ballot sheet with entities such as 'You better believe this is the real ANC or else I will kill you with a tray,' along with a surprise entry by the People's Front of Judea."
With this final prediction the Sage thanked his audience, and fried up the livers with a touch of sweet chilli sauce. Market commentators looked a little dazed by the performance, but the overall sentiment was that fondling a liver had as much chance as anything else of predicting where the market was going.
